To My Surprise…Fairwell

The moment I knew I would never again have a joint bank account, I was driving home in pounding rain with a Sugar Daddy lollipop in my mouth. At that moment, I would seize any bit of joy that came my way. Just sixty minutes prior, I had accessed the joint savings account that my husband and I maintained, only to find out half had been abruptly withdrawn by my husband. The amount was substantial for a cash withdrawal, leading me to immediately confront him.

Apparently, his attorney advised him to claim his share. But YOU are a lawyer, why do you need a lawyer? He replied, I need a divorce lawyer. At that moment, the last 25 years of maintaining a seemingly happy home for him and our children and him solely running finances came to an end. I knew it was goodbye.  That is how he asked me for a divorce.

Still In Disbelief…

When I exited the bank that day, tightly grasping several lollipops for my children and dabbing tears, I realized that I would inevitably have to allocate “my” portion of the savings towards hiring my own attorney.

Still in disbelief that my marriage wasn’t as happy as I believed, I vowed never to financially rely on another person, ever again. By deferring financial decision-making to my husband due to my steadfast trust in him, I inadvertently put myself at a disadvantage. The words, “Oh, I’m not good at that stuff, I let hubby make those decisions,” make me cringe to this day. It’s embarrassing for me to reflect on the woman I was, the one who was so fearful, so reliant, and so uninformed about her own financial situation. I’m embarrassed to confess that for a while, I put up with deceit and cruelty because the prospect of going it alone seemed more daunting.

Realities Came Fast and Hard…

Divorce was bound to be heart-wrenching, and it didn’t have to be a source of panic — yet it was. What kept me from sleeping, and what jolted me awake in the middle of the night — drenched in sweat, heart pounding — was fear. I was a part-time writer, and he was a litigator. It seemed unlikely that I would be able to keep the house. Even if by some stroke of luck, how would I manage the mortgage, the utilities, and the monthly taxes? (And how much were our taxes? I was clueless!)

I needed a divorce lawyer, but could I afford one?   How would I  even finance the divorce proceedings? I was well-versed in billable hours from my husband, but this time, I was the one receiving the invoice. From that moment onwards, I was resolved to transform into the mature individual I had aspired to be in my marital life, assuming the role of the Chief Financial Officer of my personal life.

Pendulum Swung Wide in the Opposite Direction…

The pendulum swung wide in the opposite direction from too much dependence to, perhaps, too much independence.

Reality is, I struggle with issues of trust, and it’s difficult for me to release my tight grip on life. There have been instances when I’ve made my boyfriend feel insignificant and have distanced him. Three years after that perplexing night at the bank, I embarked on a new relationship. Initially, whenever my boyfriend would bring Chinese take-out, I would promptly transfer him half the amount via Zelle. The same went for kolaches on a random Sunday morning. He would react with disbelief — “Babe, are you really transferring me $7.50?” — but if my insistence on maintaining equality and independence truly bothered him, he didn’t let it show.

Being the Example

There are moments when I reassure myself that my capacity to handle so much independently should be a matter of pride, and that my determination for self-sufficiency is beneficial. It’s reassuring for me to know that I can be self-reliant. However, on some days, I question if I’ve taken it to an extreme. I’ve searched for “hyper-independence” on Google, and I’ve observed the autofill suggest a series of phrases that appear to confront me: “hyper-independence trauma response,” “hyper-independence coping mechanism,” “hyper-independence betrayal trauma.”

I will never play the dependence game again. Even more importantly, I will teach my daughters this same important lesson. After all, it’s not worth going through if they repeat the same error. Being an example to them will make it all worth the pain and terror. As my life has evolved post-marriage, I have mindfully shifted the pendulum between education and independence.

As a self-employed professional with sole custody of school-aged children, I’ve had to be a one-arm wallpaper hanger. There are days when I must convince myself that the ability to manage alone should be a source of pride. My self-reliance makes me healthier and happier.